Cutting the Strings: Coming Back to ME

Cutting the Strings: Coming Back to ME

Being controlled by the world and others is exhausting.

For most of my life, I had a bad habit of letting people dictate who I was or who I should be. I would gravitate toward what others wanted, needed, or liked—just to keep the peace. I had this deep fear that if I were truly myself, it would be frowned upon. And I hated that feeling—the feeling that being different, being me, wasn’t good enough for others. So, for a long time, I let people puppeteer my choices. It seemed easier… until it wasn’t.

I was in several controlling relationships—romantic, friendships, coworkers, even strangers, And sadly even the people closest to me. Over time, I stopped recognizing myself. I no longer knew what I truly liked or believed in. I would say yes when I wanted to say no. I let others’ expectations determine my actions, my personality, even my dreams. And I convinced myself that this was just how life was.That belief shaped a lot of my trauma I still carry today. 

Then, something happened.

I remember standing in front of the mirror one day, staring at a version of myself I no longer knew and hated. The person looking back at me wasn’t  living—she was performing. And the truth hit me hard: If I continue like this, I will never truly exist as myself. That thought terrified me. I was disgusted and disappointed in who I was inside and outside. I was ashamed and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was painful to see a reflection of myself. All I could see and hear was what I have been told my entire life. I engraved and burned it into every ounce of my existence and sadly it was all the negativity. 

I started asking myself, Who am I when no one is telling me who to be? What do I love? What do I believe in? What is my truth? And I didn’t have the answers.

That’s when I knew—I had to break free.

And breaking free wasn’t easy.

When I started setting boundaries, the people who once controlled me didn’t like it. They tried to pull me back in, to make me doubt myself, to guilt me into staying the same being and becoming what they thought was good for me. And honestly? There were moments I almost gave in and moments I absolutely did. But slowly I began choosing me. Yes, I was slowly choosing. (choosing to try) Because choosing yourself after years of choosing others can feel unnatural—almost selfish.

But I pushed through.

I started small. I stopped saying yes when I meant no. I distanced myself from people who drained me. I started journaling to figure out what I actually wanted and felt, without the noise of others. I rediscovered my passions—the things that made me feel alive. And little by little, I reclaimed myself. I started to tell myself; “I was made to be like me” and was the REAL me such a bad thing to be? 

 Not the version that was controlled and constructed, pulled into things I never wanted to be a part of—built from fear, pressure, and survival. I’m talking about the real me. The one beneath all that.

If any of this resonates with you, please know this: You can break the cycle too.

You don’t have to let others pull you in every direction. If you have read this far, I believe there’s a part of you that dreams of something better. That yearns for more. And I believe you feel it too—that deep down, you know this isn’t the way you’re meant to live. You get to be more than just exist, you get to BE and “experience”.

So ask yourself: Who am I when it's just me? When no one is telling me who to be?

Sit with that question. Let it guide you.

And remember—you don’t have to do this alone.

Healing can be messy and beautiful, slow, painful, and confusing. Gray areas do exist. I still hear and feel the voices of doubt—but now, I catch them. I say no without explaining. And through healing in my gray areas, I’m starting to feel more like me.

Reminders

• Give yourself permission to let go of everything that is outside of “you” ideas and opinions, perceptions, thoughts etc.

• Remember that you can’t control anything but yourself just like how NO ONE can control you

• Let go of what no longer serves your purpose. Release the people,patterns and beliefs that are holding you back from your highest potential—they don’t define you 

• You were made to be like “YOU” be free don’t be afraid to own who you are in every ounce of your being welcome it congratulate it 

• Remember you are strong enough and are in control of your life 

• Don’t be afraid to put yourself first with grace, acceptance,compassion 

• When people, places, things try to creep back in send it love and light it’s not who you are anymore or who you are choosing to be your choosing different now 

• You don’t have to carry what’s not yours you are responsible and accountable for you 

Loves and Hugs to my Readers, Lovers & Dreamers 

-Sunshine J.Bills